What “Friends Character” Are You?

I don’t need a Facebook quiz to know “I’m Monica.”

Like all self-respecting Gen-Exers I have seen every episode of Friends, most of them more than once. (For those of you that haven’t, all 236 are streaming on Netflix. Go watch them, now.) I even painted the living room of my first NYC apartment lavender. My sister, while living with me in said lavender apartment, pointed out my similarity to uptight Monica. At first I scoffed, but when she reminded me of the Green Ottoman Episode I realized she was right. But dude, why would Rachel move the ottoman? And fanned magazines are a terrible idea. Terrible. Moving on.

Unfortunately, my desire to have the apartment look and feel exactly the way I want doesn’t coexist with owning two endlessly shedding, booger slinging, water dripping dogs. On a regular basis I see something they’ve ruined and sigh, “We can’t have nice things.” In their defense, they are not destructive nor do they roughhouse inside. They spend 18 or more hours a day sleeping and yet they manage to keep the apartment in a constant state of dirty no matter the amount of cleaning we do. I find their hair inside my refrigerator. INSIDE. How does that happen? The surface of the lower 3 feet of our walls are constantly covered in eye boogers. Those of you without dogs may not understand what that means. An eye booger is the goo that is in a dog’s eye, like ‘sleep’ for people but not crusty. When dogs wake up to get a drink of water (and then drip it on the floor) they stand up and violently shake their head. Thus boogers fling to whatever wall or piece of furniture they are standing next to. (OMG, as I was typing that sentence I heard Marvin wake up, shake his head, and then go gulp some water. Though I can’t see him, I know right now his floop (aka jowls) are full of water that is being dripped across the foyer floor and then onto the rug in our bedroom while he circles 15 times and then finally lays down.)

The other issue is, despite having Maddie for 9 years, we continue to buy rugs that have light backgrounds. The learning curve at our house is weak. The rug in the living room is a gray, charcoal and off-white diamond pattern (or it was when we bought it) and the rug in the bedroom is almost entirely cream. I just can’t compromise design for the dog life-style. Instead we replace rugs far more often than a normal household and we own a very expensive vacuum cleaner.

Likewise our couch is constantly covered in dog hair. And no, I don’t want to put a sheet over it. What’s the point of having a nice couch if all you see is an old sheet? And not letting the dogs get on it isn’t going to happen either. We tried that when we bought our current couch last summer. “We have a new couch and we shouldn’t let the dogs ruin it,” I declared when it was delivered. This lasted approximately 2 weeks. I looked at Maddie, sleeping on her dog bed – perfectly content, and thought about how she was getting old and she’d always been allowed on the couch and it was cruel not to let her on the couch anymore (#Ihaveproblems). So instead I regularly scrub it with with a cleaning rag and vacuum the cushions. OH – in case you have this issue the best trick I’ve learned is to put on a clean rubber dishwashing glove and rub the couch with it.  The friction of the glove grabs and balls up the hair.  The clumps are easier to vacuum up or get off with a damp clean towel.

I am not quite sure how thinking about Friends made me talk about balls of dog hair. It’s safe to say that Monica would not have faired well with two dogs in her NYC apartment. But (**spoiler alert**) one does wonder if she had a nervous breakdown after the show was off the air and she and Chandler were raising those twins out in Westchester.

Obligatory dogs on couches photos.

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