Sometimes your life looks a little like a rom-com.
Recently I had a “text conversation” with my gal pal Erin. It had me in stitches. (Am I an 89 year old woman? Who says stitches? Moving On.) I told her I might put the conversation on the blog, but then I worried someone would steal our idea and make our movie. So before you read this there are a few things you should know:
- The conversation takes place over the span of 2 days.
- Clearly I am a “true artist” because I am going to post a very unflattering picture of myself. I ask Erin to delete it from her text thread, I suggest you delete it from your memory.
- We refer to Aaron. Our friend Aaron is a very successful screenwriter. I am sure he’d think our idea was silly, but he’s also a nice guy so he’ll probably actually help us should we ask him too. (And we are all drunk enough. Note: We were sober during the entire text convo.)
- The storyline is ‘patent pending’ and all IP belongs to Erin and me.
May 12 & 13, 2016 – Text Conversation.
Paizhe = Hot Pink Text. Erin = Blue Text.
Yesterday I got the worst sunburn of my life.
This is the reason I don’t do yard work.
Delete my love handle filled photo after you gasp at the
color of my back.
Also, enjoy the bruise from when I fell on Sunday doing
yard work. Oh, and I got stung by a bee and had a tick
crawl out of my hair onto my forehead when I was inside
painting, post yard work.
OMG that is awful!! Jesus that looks painful.
I am so dumb. I always fuss at Shawn to put on
sunscreen when he is working in the yard but it
totally didn’t occur to me yesterday.
It’s like you’re living some movie about the
corporate woman who quits her job and
moves to a farm and fears she’ll have a
breakdown but ultimately she finds the
meaning of life, and meets the hunky
neighbor that she feels is judging her but
in the end it turns out he admires her and
they both realize that a woman doesn’t
need a man or a career to be happy.
Except you already have the hunky but
surly man living in your house.
I love everything about this movie.
Should we write it when I come to town?
I mean for real? Will Aaron help?
We’ll Face Time Aaron about it. When
we’re drunk. Seems like a pretty solid plan.
She has 2 dogs though, right?
And the little white goofy one keeps going to his
house and that’s how she meets him.
OBVIOUSLY the dogs are integral. She’s always afraid
he hates them because they go into his yard and
he’s always stony about it. But it’s because
his dog died last year and he misses him so much.
(All plots need a tear jerker subplot.)
He’s local born and raised and hates
outsiders but we learn he actually went
to an Ivy League School and got all wrapped
into ‘that world’ until a girl broke his heart
and he came home to farm the family land.
And the first time she sees his soft side is
when she can’t find the white dog, who has
run off, and she catches him in the yard next door;
they are wrestling and her heart starts to
melt when she realizes they BOTH have
been judging each other wrong.
This text thread is SO much more enjoyable than the
show I am supposed to be working on right now.
Who plays the guy?
Who plays the girl?
My first image was Patrick Dempsey.
No idea why.
Um, YOU play the girl. Dur.
No, I don’t wanna be in it.
Funny I was thinking a different actor also
made famous by Grey’s Anatomy.
I never actually watched the show.
Those are the only two actors I know on it.
How about Laura Linney?
I love her.
I hate her. Oh no, we are going to have
Whatever. Fine, we can use J Lo.
Lauren Graham? It’s totally a
Lauren Graham vehicle.
Ehhhh…maybe I do need to be in it.
I’m not saying I am a big fan. I’m just
saying it’s totally the kid of star the producers would
eat up in that role.
OK, gotta get going. Heading to Lowes.
Of course you are. That’s a good comic scene in the movie.
How about Ron Livingston?
Stop what you are doing and help me cast this
thing, this shit isn’t going to produce itself.
Here are some promo specs I’ve worked up.
Depending on casting preferences…
I just about peed my pants laughing
I mean, there’s also this option:
As long as there are a LOT of sex scenes.
Like. A lot.
Though I think the shot of you and Dax is
best for the movie, so far.
Chris Hemsworth. Totally.
Dying. Also, I just bought a new toilet seat
and some caulk at Lowes. That is fucking sexy.
Now going to Walmart for paper towels and
Obviously you bump into Dax Shepard
in the bleach aisle. Embarrassment ensues.
Followed by the scene of you in the liquor store,
buying juice boxes of wine.
THIS MOVIE IS WRITING ITSELF
No, I think you bump into him buying caulk.
Because cock/caulk. Easy to milk the comedy
out of that scene.
This is amazing. I am thinking about the scene
where she quits her high powered job (clearly
she was making bank.)
For sure. Probably in advertising.
No one, including you – her BFF, has any clue she
bought a farm house and is leaving the city. Today.
It’s kinda like Baby Boom. Without the baby
or apple sauce.
And we all think she’s CRAAAAAZY.
Though when I come visit, I’m determined to hook up
with the hottie next door. And that is when
you realize you have feelings for him.
Dude, this movie is going to make us
No doubt. If only I put in this much effort into
the rest of my day. Example: I am in the gym
locker room, pants off, and realize I left my
workout pants in the car.
I am too focused on our movie.
What could be more important than fleshing
out the script of our major motion picture?
Clearly not my physique.
Too be continued….